Essential Tremor, the real me.

Essential Tremor is a nervous system disease that i apparently have
i devoloped it actually, and signs were shown to me a year and a couple months ago

almost 90% of my pictures are "shaky"
and i hated it.
It would either deform my face, because sometimes i have a sudden "jerking" movement, but with essential tremor, it's worse.
and i couldn't wear makeup until now.

i had very low self esteem through out my highschool life. I was very shy too.
older kdis would make fun of me because i was "asian" or because i was short.
I wasn't lying about being 5'1.

all of my friends wore makeup during then, they either began wearing makeup or they've been wearing it.
i was the only one, i swear to god, who haven't worn makeup.
so i felt terribly out of their league.
they would get dates, while i hope someday a guy would just come up to me and say hi.

i have to admit, i was very passive and kind.
i guess i still am.
i just wanted to "fit in" rather than do nothing.

so i resulted into online life.
it only started a couple months ago, when i was learning about myspace and IMVU.

everything changed for me. my self confidence went up a little, but not as much as i wanted.
i wanted more attention.
i wanted more spark.
i wanted to be liked and feel "popular".

i wanted to fit in.

a big mistake i made. looking through wretch albums, hoping to find a gorgeous girl who wouldnt be oddly suspicious either.

i found the perfect girl.
I found Tea.

i took her pictures, i started a new myspace, i met my first friend, gua, and then levi, and then more and more.
people said i look gorgeous.
it made me feel great.
i wanted more, i was unexecptionally greedy.

tumblr was the next target.
i made great friends.
then, i didnt want to loose them
but what were they for?
were they here for looks?
Then somone had an crush on me.
how did i react? what was i supposed to say?
i liked him too. i didn't want to hurt him.
i was beggining to resent what i did.
i was beggining to feel lonley again, knowing most of them came for the looks, the looks i will never achieve.

months past by, i began logging on less and less.
i didn't want to continue.
i wanted it to end.
then narsha mao came.

who was she?
everyone thought she was me.

she wasn't.
but she is a fake.
i've seen her on wretch when surfing for Tea.
how come i didn't reveal her?
i wanted her to feel the pain.
but at the same time, she was probably feeling how i felt.
unloved by looks.

i gave her a few lucky months.
until, i decided to rat her out along with me.
people already suspected, so why not.

she'll endure great pain when people find her, so i gave her a lucky free be.
yes she is fake, but she isn't me.
if she was me, i would've quited tumblr by now as me.